Within each of us there is inner conflict about what we should be, what we should do, even what we should eat. So it is only natural that if we are real with others that we will conflict with them too. In fact any relationship should come to a phase of conflict in order for us to grow from each other. If we avoid the conflict that naturally exists between us we become plastic. If however we are able to bring it up and be heard, a new depth of understanding, trust and wholeness can be found on the other side. The question is how do we do conflict?

Most of us follow our family pattern. If our parents shouted and screamed or if they avoided conflict - it has affected the way we approach it. We are often ashamed of our conflict style, most of us shout from time to time, or cry, or go quiet or run away. If we are honest about our style we can asses its pros and cons and move forward.If we pretend we are perfect we can never move forward.

We often fight under the premise of "I have to win", where the truth is in conflict you either both win or you both lose. If you both win at the end of it you feel like a unit. You my be exhausted but you have been understood and heard and a new paradigm or understanding has been developed that you can both work with. If you both lose, whether you personally came out stronger or weaker, you feel distant and removed from each other and the relationship feels more fragile than before. If you remember this in conflict, that you need to win together, your strategy will change. As opposed to trying to defeat your opponent you rather try to grapple with and conquer the issue together. In helping you both to win a few tips were brought up by members of the group.

1: Don't disengage, walk out, give the silent treatment; there is no way it can be resolved if you do not participate. If you need a break or feel too wobbly to continue, express this to your partner and allow yourselves time out.

2: Commit to staying together. "I am sticking with you no matter what, I am not going to leave." This gives a level of security in which people feel safe to be honest and really grow.

3:Do not go below the belt. Stay to the issue at hand and do not bring up the past. Do not use statements like you always...or you never...

4: If one of you is exploding, the other who is being expressed to should stand firm and hold. Do not bend to their will, or run away but do not escalate the situation. Stand your ground and hear what is actually being said. You may well find things settle a lot quicker this way.

We really only touched the surface of conflict and will be continuing in this vain on Monday 7 April 2008, 7:30 for 8pm. Hope to see you there.