Men & Women Relating
1st Monday Meeting

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
On the first Monday of each month we have an evening together in Hout Bay where we explore aspects of how we relate. We try to engage the topics that we need to face practically so that it doesn't end up as a talk shop.

WHO CAN ATTEND?
Open to all, this is a good place to bring friends who might appreciate sharing perspectives on shared relationships.

WHEN AND WHERE IS IT HELD ?
Time 7.30 for 8 until about 10pm at Sans Pareil, corner Welbevind and Valley Roads, Hout Bay, Cape Town.

WHAT IS THE COST?
R20 per person, refreshments provided.

NEXT MEETING:
Monday 1 Sep 2008, 7:30 for 8pm
Topic: Sexuality as Holy Longing (Session 2)

AUGUST
SEXUALITY AS HOLY LONGING

In August we explored sexuality as a holy longing - a longing to be wanted, chosen, connected, held, understood, known and affirmed. This longing is not just about our genitals, just like eating is not all about our mouths. It is a deep seated part of our soul and how we act out sexually affects our soul. Below is a synopsis of some of the areas we discussed:

Our Dreams Steal our Reality
Unfortunately due to the media we tend to have reduced sexuality to the mechanical and have robbed it of much of its mystery and awe. It has been idealized. “This is what it should be like” i.e. perfect bodies, perfect romance, perfect lovers. Visual imagination and dreaming are essential in order to move forward, however, when an ideal forms in ones mind as the penultimate "must have" we are often disillusioned by what we have in reality. In this context our dreams steal our reality. The “perfect partner” robs us from enjoying the partner we walk with.

Expectations are the Biggest Killer of Relationships.
So many people have a fixed idea of what their partner should be like and spend their whole relationship trying to change them, and being disappointed when the partner does not live up to this set out expectation. In this situation we are not loving the person we are with but rather loving the ideal version of them. For the relationship to flourish we need to really see the person in front of us, affirm them, cherish them and nourish their uniqueness. Then we will be giving each other the true gift of relationship. In this sort of relationship all types of intimacy: sexual, emotional, spiritual and physical will be more natural and life giving.

The Journey of Desire
The journey of desire from seeing something to possessing it is an essential ingredient in valuing what we have got. This can be seen even in children. The child who has very little and is made to save for his bicycle, thinks about it and dreams about it for months until he gets it. And he treasures the bicycle when he gets it as it has already got a large space in his heart. The child however who sees the bicycle and gets it immediately is likely to get home ride it and forget about it – his heart is already focused on the next toy he can purchase. The same is true with our sexuality. By waiting and going on a journey of desire before engaging sexually we put a level of respect and value on each other, develop a space in our hearts for each other and are likely to cherish this experience far more.

“Sex isn’t just about genitals”

JUNE
THE POWER OF LOOKING

Being seen is essential to us becoming whole. A child needs to be seen, an employer needs to be seen, a lover needs to be seen, we all need to be seen. When we feel we are truly seen a sense of affirmation happens deep down in our spirit and we are given the freedom to fly. If however we are never seen, we slowly die, our spirit shrivels and we self destruct.

In this session we explored how emotionally open we are to those around us and do we really see the people in our lives. Or do we just do work, chores, life with them and never really know who they are and how they are doing. In the exercises we practiced the simple but under utilized gift we have of looking and seeing another. We explored how it felt to be seen and how it felt to do the looking.

Sergio reminded us that to look we need to be emotionally available to the other person. Present and focused enough to absorb where they are. We are able to open and close our ability to be emotionally available. For instance we sometimes close off completely to a beggar or open up completely to a child. So there is always a percentage of emotional availability we have. How emotionally available are you to those around you today?

To illustrate the power of looking Sergio shared this story with us: A Swiss friend of his was interested in the bushmen culture and went to spend some time with them. One evening around the campfire, there was an old bushwomen crouching by the fire trying to get warm with her eyes closed. Something about her mesmerized him and he kept on looking at her. Her eyes were still closed. They stayed like that for a while, until she eventually opened her eyes and looked at him. They looked into each others eyes and then tears began to flow down her cheeks. They had never said a word to each other. They couldn’t as they did not speak each other’s language and yet they had had a profound connection.

“Our eyes are our windows, through them our souls can touch”



MAY
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. WHAT CAN THEY TEACH US?

After two months of looking at conflict, we spent this month looking at love. How do we love? Who do we love? And what are our love languages? Love is the greatest act we do in our lives. But are we aware of how we do it and are we aware of the fact that others are loving us with a different love language?

The five love languages as described by Dr Chapman are:• Time• Gifts• Service• Touch• Affirmation

Each of us looked at our families and parenting model and discussed what their dominant love language was and then looked at ourselves and explored what love language we give the easiest. It was a smaller group than usual. This allowed for lots of dialogue and sharing of stories. There was a lot of discussion around whether you can ask for your love language from your friends and partners. There were varying opinions on this from; definitely not “ if I ask for flowers it ruins the joy, it becomes flat” - to; you definitely can “as by asking for love you are actually affirming the other as needed and allowing them to be a major part in your healing”. One guy in the group when he saw his dad after 3 yrs really felt he needed to be touched by his dad and said “Dad, I really need you to hug me.” His ability to ask released a beautiful moment and a lot of healing. There were still a lot of questions unresolved at the end of the meeting but hopefully more clarity and insight will be forthcoming at the day retreat on Sat 10 May from 2pm to 5pm at Sans Pareil.

“Love is our greatest work”


APRIL
CONFLICT AND EMOTIONAL NEEDS

In April we continued to look at conflict and how it can arise from our unspoken emotional needs. We all have physical needs, which we are happy to express, “I need to sleep”, “I need to eat” but we all have emotional needs too, often we are more hesitant to verbalise these. Do we know what they are and do we know how to fulfill them in a healthy way? Or do we eat when we need love, or hide in work when we need to be heard or do other destructive habits in order to try and fill up the emotional need gap. Each of us wrote a list of our emotional needs and then wrote next to each need how we fulfill it – healthily or unhealthily. Often conflict arises when we have an emotional need that is not being met in our lives. Many of us haven’t expressed this need to our partner but can get very angry when they don’t meet the need. In understanding our own emotional needs and communicating them to our partner, friends and family we find a deeper peace in ourselves as we identify and speak the truth and more fulfilling relationships as those around us are more aware of what we need.

MARCH
CAN GOOD THINGS BE BIRTHED FROM CONFLICT?

Within each of us there is inner conflict about what we should be, what we should do, even what we should eat. So it is only natural that if we are real with others that we will conflict with them too. In fact any relationship should come to a phase of conflict in order for us to grow from each other. If we avoid the conflict that naturally exists between us we become plastic. If however we are able to bring it up and be heard, a new depth of understanding, trust and wholeness can be found on the other side. The question is how do we do conflict?

Most of us follow our family pattern. If our parents shouted and screamed or if they avoided conflict - it has affected the way we approach it. We are often ashamed of our conflict style, most of us shout from time to time, or cry, or go quiet or run away. If we are honest about our style we can asses its pros and cons and move forward.If we pretend we are perfect we can never move forward.

We often fight under the premise of "I have to win", where the truth is in conflict you either both win or you both lose. If you both win at the end of it you feel like a unit. You my be exhausted but you have been understood and heard and a new paradigm or understanding has been developed that you can both work with. If you both lose, whether you personally came out stronger or weaker, you feel distant and removed from each other and the relationship feels more fragile than before. If you remember this in conflict, that you need to win together, your strategy will change. As opposed to trying to defeat your opponent you rather try to grapple with and conquer the issue together. In helping you both to win a few tips were brought up by members of the group.

1: Don't disengage, walk out, give the silent treatment; there is no way it can be resolved if you do not participate. If you need a break or feel too wobbly to continue, express this to your partner and allow yourselves time out.

2: Commit to staying together. "I am sticking with you no matter what, I am not going to leave." This gives a level of security in which people feel safe to be honest and really grow.

3:Do not go below the belt. Stay to the issue at hand and do not bring up the past. Do not use statements like you always...or you never...

4: If one of you is exploding, the other who is being expressed to should stand firm and hold. Do not bend to their will, or run away but do not escalate the situation. Stand your ground and hear what is actually being said. You may well find things settle a lot quicker this way.

We really only touched the surface of conflict and will be continuing in this vain on Monday 7 April 2008, 7:30 for 8pm. Hope to see you there.

FEBRUARY
EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

In the February Monday Meeting we looked at our emotional development and how important it is to be able to understand and read our own emotions. We specifically looked at events in our childhood that roused strong emotions, these feelings have often not been dealt with and so in similar situations in our adult lives we revert back to the intense childhood emotions. For instance at the age of 5 our parents fought and it was scary for us, so we withdrew and hid. Now we find ourselves at 55 having the same response, if we observe people in conflict or enter into conflict ourselves, we feel terrified, like our world is about to fall apart and we do anything to avoid it. Our emotional response is disproportionate to the situation we face. To help each of us access the reality of this in our lives, we each looked at the first childhood memory we could remember and what emotions it had evoked. We then thought about how that has translated into our adult life and how we could practically face these fears and emotions in the week ahead.

PAST TOPICS:
Emotional Prisons
What Women Want
Emotional Availability
Our Attitudes and our Spirituality
Head and Heart
Men and their Relationships

If you have any questions or would like to know more contact us or call Sergio on 021 7901308