MEN'S GROUP SAMPLE MATERIAL

Part 1: A Partial Self

INTRODUCTION
Play a piece of quiet music or be still for three minutes. Around the circle each man can share a few sentences from the week and how it has been.

CONTENT
One man reads the passage below to the group.
For most of us, our shaping was based on the belief that one taught and encouraged good traits in a boy and discouraged or rejected unwanted aspects. Even with more passive parents, there was always a sense of expectation, which one complied with or reacted to. Good schooling equally was seen as shaping and conforming to acceptable standards. The parameters were external and were generally regarded as having to be impressed on or into us. The genuine desire to form us appropriately actually became an affirmation of certain aspects of ourselves and a smothering or rejection of other parts. So grew our partial self, formed by default according to what was needed by our parents, our family and our culture at the time.

For most boys the academic path was seen as the most important. Through school we were measured and marked by our performance and the top of the class was king. Prowess in sport was a good alternative. So the shape of the partial self was around the rational, controlled, capable and well-mannered boy. Being nice was valued, as was being responsible, dependable and considerate. All these were good things in themselves, but lopsided as our real self was being compromised.

Where was this other side of ourselves? Where had we buried our adventurous, risk-taking, ‘rough diamond’ self? At times, when our controls were down, we may have lashed out in anger or pain and done something we were later made to regret. Who did they make of you in the end?

- As you look back, what kind of boy were you, compliant or reactive?
- How well did you do in school and how was your identity affected by this?
- What kind of friends did you hang around with?

What kind of man are you now? Are you still trying to live in ways acceptable to others, maybe authority figures or other people you have allowed to take this role?
Can you trust yourself, or do you need to get permission or ask other’s opinions before making decisions?

In silence reflect for 10 minutes on the above and make some notes in your journal. Remember to stay with your experience and don’t get into should or oughts. Stop reading here for the 10 mins.
Now, write a letter to yourself as a little boy and tell him how you feel now about how you were treated, both the good experiences and the painful ones. (About 5 minutes)

With some background music playing, share with the partner sitting next to you, who will be you as a little boy. Tell him how you feel about your boyhood and how you were treated and then read him your letter. Let him help you to get in touch with your feelings whether it is crying or quietly grieving or whatever. (15 minutes)
When you are done, swop with your partner and be the boy for him. (15 minutes)

CLOSURE
To end Let the reader pray for the little boy in each of us and that we may do for him what our parents could not.At Home carry on the dialogue with your little boy and continue seeking healing for him.