Men as Mentors - Richard Rohr and Sergio Milandri - Part 13

Start with three minutes of silence or a piece of evocative music..

Part 13. Grieving Life.

We probably would all identify with a call to celebrate and toast life, but what would our response be to grieving life? We need little encouragement to wish for the ‘better’ but how do we feel about the ‘worse’ in life? Are we open to seeing life as it really is or do we insist on controlling and idealising what we see? Can we see that this would be an unreal response as both the tears of joy as well as the tears of sadness are wired into our very being?
Who was it that could not bear painful reality and taught us to dream it away? Where did we learn to be uncomfortable with grief? Where did we see avoidance as the answer to pain? Who showed us how to pretend that loss didn’t hurt and that we should not care about it?

In our success and growth orientated society, loss and deprivation represent all that we strive against and spurn because they are all that we do not want to be or become. The failures and losers, the poor and defeated are usually avoided with pity or disdain as if they have a contagious disease. There is an almost superstitious belief that if we admit the reality of failure and loss we will somehow invite bad luck and our worst fears will come true. We like to be associated with success as it makes us feel better about ourselves, but at what cost? Are we aware that we are a blended mix of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and in separating ourselves from the bad we are cutting off our very selves?

In all aspects of our lives, we lose the reality that we deny. In not grieving loss we stifle our ability to receive true gain. In our fixation with the good, we lose sight of the “gold in the manure.” Our inability to grieve our many losses amounts to loss of self, because all that is represented and carried by those memories is cut off.

Without grieving there can be no celebrating, for what would we be celebrating if success were the only option? Grieving requires true courage as it needs us to acknowledge the loss, the fear and the emptiness that we face in every moment. It is entering our valley of the shadow of death and eating at a table spread in the presence of our enemies. In grieving our father wound, Rohr (Ch 12) is inviting us to renew our inner dialogue with a father who is needing to become real, one who would have had both strengths and weaknesses. We need to see him for who he really was so that we can see ourselves for who we really are.

In saying, “Blessed are those who mourn”, God is inviting us to a deeper truth, to share God’s perspective of life as it is so that it can be lived and healed fully. We cannot heal what we cannot grieve. When a wound does not heal, it may be that we’ve not grieved it appropriately or adequately. Alternatively, when we get stuck in a pool of self pity, we may have used the grieving process to further a “poor me” agenda rather than to find healthy healing.

Grieving life is not only about mourning, it is about living life in a balanced way. It sees the bigger picture and lives at a deeper level.
It can, “Weep with those that weep and laugh with those that laugh,”
It is laughter from deep in the belly ‘til the tears roll. For that is the wonder of celebration and mourning life which is a rich gift and piquant pain.

Reflection (10 minutes with sad music)
What do you need to grieve and release?

Journal (5 minutes)
Write some of your feelings.

Connect with each other in the group.

This week. Reflect on your inhabited self and start some expeditions to your wild self. Read chapter 14 of Richard Rohr’s “From Wild Man to Wise Man”